A Candid Car Crush “How To” 9 min read

You may recall my previous story was about my early car crush experiences. Here’s how I had improved upon that method, probably used close to 70 or 80 times now. Consider this a step-by-step guide if you will.
Candid Crushes (How To)

1. The idea of a candid crush is not to be remembered, if you were asked ‘when you went grocery shopping last, what was the color of the last you parked beside?’ I doubt anyone reading could remember, and that’s how it should be. Blend in. Make sure you are tidy, shaved, etc and completely unassuming. The entire goal is to be unnoticed.

2. Pick the location, go a suburb or two over to avoid anyone you know. grocery shops tend work best, don’t park anywhere you wouldn’t be expected. e.g. nail salon, hairdressers etc as the aim is to blend in. Watch as vehicles enter, but be subtle. If someone notices your car in the back-left of the carpark, then beside their car as they return, instant red-flag. Ideally even park far away down the street to observe. Don’t do it twice at the same place, have a couple locations and maybe only do the same one every couple of weeks. Staff will notice a strange guy often loitering around otherwise.

3. Don’t pick cars parked near the shop entrance, as you don’t want passing foot traffic. Also keep an eye out for people sitting in their cars, dash cams, cameras or passengers in the line of site. Also check the underside of the mirror and/or front fenders for 360 cameras. Ideally up against a wall or hedge. As they get out check they don’t have a uniform that means they are starting work, etc. If you don’t see them get out, you can guestimate; personalised plate? child seat? drivers seat further forward than passenger? hairband/scrunchy on gearshift? Tire/front fender warm? All these clues help you, but you could also be waiting hours.

4. Motorbikes work amazing for this. If you don’t have one, get one! But also I had done this with cars too, I’ll explain how in Step 8. Once you’ve found one, park and go into the shop to grab a bottle of water, then sit outside on the kerb with your bike. Nobody would give that a passing thought ‘oh look, a biker stopped for a drink’. Now comes the fun part, but again be very careful about how you present. After watching too many true-crime shows, women are hypervigilant about carparks, creeps etc. Don’t set off their ‘creep’ radar by doing anything unusual. Have your helmet, gloves, etc off and kneel down beside your bike inspecting your engine. Do this on the opposite side to her car. Give a friendly wave or nod if she looks in your direction as she loads up the trunk. Again, in her mind ‘oh, there’s a biker over there, drinking and checking out his bike’ that won’t stand out as odd or unusual.

5. She wheels her trolley back, again perhaps sees you on the far-side of your bike and feel confident to reverse back without hitting you, and thinks nothing more of it. As soon as she hops up into her car (Works much better with SUVs) you can slide around the front of your bike and look to inspect your engine on the other side, but putting your hand just behind her front passenger tire. If you’re really smart, you can serepticiusly place your phone, wallet, etc against your tire, but really be recording her wheel.

6. To avoid waiting with your hand there longer than necessary, let the engine start, she may sit with it idling checking her phone, doing make-up etc and only when you hear the clunk of the transmission do you quickly place your hand down. Don’t place your entire hand, only your fingers. (I can explain from rigorous testing with an ex-girlfriend, she notices a definite bump with my whole hand in a sedan, still a barely noticeable bump in a SUV but fingers seem to squish unnoticeably in any vehicle).

7. Don’t stand up immediately, inside slide now to the front of your bike and DO NOT look at your hand. If somehow she still feels like she ran over something, you inspecting your hand is a bad look. But again, in her mind ‘oh, he was on the far side, he’s moved to the front’ and she’ll ideally not even know you were on her side of your bike. Continue to act nonchalant, check your tread as you sip your water and ignore the beautiful stinging on your hand. This helps too on the off-chance someone, somewhere saw this happen, they would expect you hopping around mad, when that doesn’t occur, they would logically assume it was a perspective trick and you certainly didn’t just get run over.

8. Don’t have a motorbike? Two ways, one involves talking and is probably more risky, but also more rewarding. Lets start with the first.

8.1 – Find one, park, make sure you have ticked off all the requirements first, then either reverse park in the spot and inspect the rear underneath of your car, or front-first and the front. Have an excuse ready for anyone who comes along. Oh, I scraped the bumper coming in, just checking it. Exhaust rattling, just looking that its not about to fall. Funny sound from rear suspension over bumps. Have something ready and plausible, if you know nothing about cars, look it up to be prepared. Either way, don’t be on the roadway, be at the kerb at the front of the park, directly in front of your car, and not beside it. Only once they hop in and can’t see you anymore are you permitted to move around beside her passenger wheel (Never, ever do the driver’s side, duh). Again like the bike, focus on your car but slide your hand behind her tire.
About 20% of the time, they will roll down the window and say something like ‘Am I right to back up?’ Maybe they saw you and are being extra careful, good on them. Just reply with ‘plenty of space, go right ahead’ or ‘All good, I’m well clear’. Just remember, if they’re asking, they can’t see. Get that amazing hand crush feeling, and play it off like we described in Step 7.

8.2 – Dropped coins. Stay in your car scrolling your phone or looking busy, certainly make no eye-contact yet. Once they hop into their side, get out normally and slowly, don’t do anything out of the ordinary, but have a couple pennies hidden in your hand. Then look down at their tire and look puzzled for a moment, before knocking gently on their passenger window glass. ‘Sorry to bother you, miss. Did you drop any coins over here?’ They universally have responded with ‘Not mine’ or ‘Nope’. After that, kneel down and ‘pick up’ the coins you had in your hand and place one behind the wheel. Hold them up showing them and say, ‘I think there’s one also behind/stuck under your tire, would you mind backing up a foot or so slowly? I’ll keep clear’ and kneel back down with your fingers right behind their tire’. About 90% of the time they reverse slowly, otherwise they might question once more if you’re clear, before reversing.
The benefit of this method is that quite often you can put your hand 1ft back and they stop right on your hand. Its an amazing feeling having the entire weight of her vehicle crushing your hand while nonchalantly chatting and her blissfully unaware. After a couple seconds you can say ‘I think there’s one more, just a little further please’ to have them roll off.

9. Notes – Couple more thoughts, only do this during the day. Yes it feels more open and vulnerable, but a woman would be 1000x more alert walking back to her car at night with someone beside her, your every muscle twitch would be analysed and trying to talk to her would be terrifying. Don’t do that ever. Also, don’t leave straight after she does, give it a few minutes or even walk into the store. Sometimes you’ll be waiting 30-40 minutes, so this method is not for the impatient. Even then, you won’t get every crush. You won’t even get most. Maybe 1 in 10. At each step along the way, people will walk past, cars will pull up, dashcams, etc. Get used immediately to the idea of letting go and only getting that 5 or 10%. Far better that than being caught or seen. Pick your vehicles, e.g. a huge F-150 with off-road tires left marks for nearly 2 weeks and stung. Low profile tyres with large rims are also painful, e.g. a lady in her BMW with like 19in rims and a thin tyre was once almost more painful then the F150. Best best is usually crossover style cars that have thick sidewalls but don’t weight too much. Think like a Rav4 or CH-V… But the idea of women driving big heavy trucks and SUVs is hotter too, so pick your poison.

10 – Dangers: Probably should have put this at the start, but this is dangerous. Even if everything goes according to plan. You are putting 1/4 of a car’s weight (more or less depending on weight distribution) onto your hand. You will get bleeding under the skin between your fingers, you will get tread marks on your hand, it will hurt, but it will also be amazing. Do not curl your fingers, or have them on an angle or anything over than completely flat on the ground, they will easily crack, break, etc. Also you probably won’t feel much in the moment due to the adrenaline, so be mindful of that, it’ll start hurting 5-10 minutes later. Always remember, they are unaware and therefore have no concept of ‘too far’. They might twist the wheels, or stop and do their makeup and you are trapped, just waiting for someone to walk by and notice. I wouldn’t even know how to begin to explain that if someone saw or you ended up on a dashcam video.

Please leave a comment, it would be much appreciated and I do always come back and read them, plus they’re anonymous anyway. If you tried this, I would be absolutely thrilled to hear about it.