My friend Jan 7 min read

written by Unknown author
original source of the story was Unknown source

4.6
(26)

So I have this “Friend” Jan I know who use to work with me years ago. I was a sales guy and she was the front door receptionist. Anyway Jan and I kept in touch over the years as we went our separate ways career wise. I got fatter, grayer and richer, Jan stayed thin, hot and generally living paycheck to paycheck. So we got to talking about life online and I tried to explain to Jan that she really needed to make better choices with her life to get ahead. Stop dating abusive losers that slapped her around and working for dead end jobs. Jan’s answer was “whatever”, complaining that I tell her what she should do but not how she can get there.

I then volunteered to hook up with her to go over how to get what she wants and the next night I drove to Jan’s apartment. Jan had just got off work and was wearing a tight red dress with black knee high boots, the kind with the 3 inch chunky heel. She was about 5’9 with her boots on and my guess weighed about 140 lbs. I came from work as well and was still dressed in a suit.

I told Jan I couldn’t stay too long but would do what I could to help her and she said she appreciated it. I had brought with me one of those huge easel pads that allowed you to stick large pieces of paper on wall. Jan asked what it was for and I explained it will be used to write her goals on after we come up with a few. I found a blank wall across from her kitchen table and stuck an empty piece of paper on it. Jan and I then sat down at the table and we started to talk about what kind of goals she had in life. After about 5 minutes of “I don’t know” and “not sure” I could tell she was getting frustrated. She then asked me about my goals and I took the next ten minutes giving her my “five year” plan. That made Jan even more frustrated and she told me that she didn’t feel comfortable telling me her goals much less writing them because she thought I would laugh at her.

I told Jan, I had a crazy solution given I didn’t have all night to try and get her to share with me. I explained that I would lie down on the kitchen floor face up under the paper stuck to the wall. I told her that all she needed to do was walk right up, step up on me and write as many goals as she could think of and that it will be hard for me to laugh at her while she is standing on me.

Jan thought I was joking and said only if I am standing on your face.

I said I agreed and got up from the kitchen table, walked across the floor and laid down under the paper. Jan stopped laughing and said “wholly shit you aren’t kidding!!!”

I looked at my watch as I lay on the floor and told her I didn’t have all night. Jan stood up, looked down at me and told me there were three things I should know. First she claimed to have a lot of goals and really really good balance. Second, once she got started writing there wasn’t much that would make her stop until she was done. And third that the only reason she invited me over and in fact kept in contact with me was to use me to get what she wanted. Jan went on to say, truth be told she thought I was an arrogant asshole and didn’t much like me and as long as I was willing to accept those three things she would be happy to write her goals on the paper.

I reached into the breast pocket of my suit took out a pen and tossed it to her. I told her again that I didn’t have all night. I was about to make a comment about how disgusting her kitchen floor was when the next thing I know her right boot came down on my chest followed by her left squarely in the middle of my face. I didn’t even have time to close my mouth as the heel of her left boot came to rest in it. Jan didn’t lie about any of the three things, she had told me. She had amazing balance, shifting weight not only between her right foot on my chest and left on my face but also between her heel toe of each boot. She began writing what seemed to be a never ending list of goals everything from getting married one day to picking up her dry cleaning tomorrow on the way home from work.

I tried to tell her to remain focused on the longer term items but quickly learned she had no interest in my opinion as she place more weight on the heel over my mouth to shut me up. Apparently she also had no interest in if I was OK as I lay under her while she constructed her list. In fact the only time she took a break from writing her list was when her phone rang. She stepped off me and walked across the room to get the answer it. I heard her say “Hello Mom” and breathed a sign of relief from the head crushing I endured for the last 20 minutes. My relief was short lived however as Jan came walking back talking to her mom while dragging one of the kitchen chairs behind her. She placed it over my stomach and sat down extending her right boot and resting it back on my face. She then gave my forehead a hard tap with the tip of her boot and told me to stick out my tongue, which I did with out question to avoid getting another hard tap. Jan then ran the soul of her boot across my tongue as she explained to her mother that she wasn’t telling her to stick out her tongue and quickly changed the topic of the conversation with her.

It took over an hour and a half for the phone battery to start dying out before Jan hung up. During that time I licked every inch of dirt off the souls and sides of both her boots. At times she would dry the spit on the bottom of her boots on my suit or turn my head to the side and grind the souls of her boots on the side of my head. Between strokes of her boot down my face I would catch a glimpse of her and see a satisfying smile on her face. The worst part of the experience was when she would jam the chunky heel of her boot in my mouth. I would start gagging as my tongue pressed up against it. Jan’s reaction was just to talk louder to her mother on the phone to drown out my moaning.

When she finally finished talking to her mom, she put the phone down on the floor and took her boot off my face. Without so much as a word Jan placed both her boots on my chest and stood up from the chair. It felt like my chest was going to cave in and I opened my mouth gasping for air. Big mistake since Jan went right back to writing her list by repositioning herself, this time standing with both boots on my face full weight. If it wasn’t for the massive amount of pain I was in, feeling like my forehead was collapsing and my teeth were being pushed in, I would have been amazed at Jan’s ability to balance herself on my face for over 15 minutes. When she finally finished, Jan stepped back on my chest turned around and sat down it the kitchen chair, which was resting over my stomach. This time she placed both boots on my face leaving only my mouth exposed. Jan then said “That was fun … what’s next ?”

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